Melanie Testa

Still Here, after all these years.

I have been quiet for a long time. I am well. I am feeling better and better and have been sinking deeply into my creative process.

To be honest, recovering from cancer treatment and getting used to being a flat chested woman is not easy. There are the physical concerns, feeling as if I have a tight rubber band around my chest, feeling physically constrained from the cording or Axillary Webbing. And there is getting used to not having breasts in my relationship with my husband. All of this takes time and patience. I am not one to easily step back and allow time to work its wonders, I am a go-get-em sort of gal, so I am working on my own sense of timing while pouring myself into my work and feeding other aspects of my person.

This blog and The Clever Guild site have gone fallow during this period. While I apologize for this, it seems it is plainly needed and beneficial. Since I started this blog almost 10 years ago, I have never allowed myself the luxury of letting go and not checking in. While I hope to start investing in the blog and my virtual narrative soon, I would like to ask for your understanding while I gather my pieces, parts and selves back into a healthy whole again.

Luckily, I have found a Chinese medicine practitioner who will be helping me with my scars and range of motion issues.I had my first appointment yesterday and I have high hopes of feeling some relief in my body while working with his protocol. He would like me to do stretches, scar massage, and Chi Gong in addition to weekly visits for a few more weeks. It feels good to step away from western medicine doctors and take some more control back.

Miss Peach continues to fortify our hearts and illicit big love within our family and home. Today she will be having some blood work done in preparation for her next heat cycle and hopeful respay.

This is a strike-off of a multicolor set using paint on paper. I rather like the design, it taught me a bit more on setting up repeats and creating an all over feel for the eventual image. I have been delving into mediums that help create the correct texture for printing with a brayer. Initially I thought it would be tough to figure out, but I think I almost have that down too. I am just trying to figure out the proper ratios so that the paint dries as quickly as possible.

See? I have been quite busy over here! I don’t know how many stamps, stencils and images I have made in the last two months, I could count them, but no.

I much prefer to continue carving, cutting and figuring out the repeats as I go.

Printing, printing, printing.

I have been printing away over here. Some pieces are batching, some washed, some on paper, some cloth. Today will be a continued day of printing. I find I like working small. These cloth pieces are about 8×12, or just a bit bigger. Previously I worked on fat quarters, 18×22″ or so. I find what works best for me now, is to rip those fat quarters into fat eight(?) or is it now, fat sixteenth? I will mix an interesting set of colors and then print as many sets of multicolor stamps, stencils or jobbies as I possibly can. At the end of the day, I have entire groupings of cloth. It is almost as if I went to the quilting store and bought a full line of prints. Except I made these! This is very exciting.

I really should do a pictorial inventory of all the projects I am working on right now, it would help me see the forrest through the trees.

I find that even though I no longer have breasts, I miss the trappings of womanhood, seeing the outline of a bra under my shirts, taking it off at the end of the night. For women who had bilateral mastectomy, there are a few bra options out there or maybe just one. There are ‘bralettes’, though I think these are generally geared to teenagers (cheaply made in bright colors), camisoles, half camisoles, but really not much in the way of ‘under clothing’, and hardly anything that doesn’t push prothesis down your throat, as if you want to wear them. So I have been playing with the idea of making my own under things. The piece at the top is a trial sample, and I have to say, it works well. It looks good.

Seeing as I made my own pattern (and it worked), I figured I would go ahead and start using Natalie Chanin‘s techniques from Alabama Studio Sewing + Design book. I look forward to seeing how this piece turns out. The ‘bra’ at right, the one being stitched is smaller (less coverage) than the finished one it rests on. Perhaps I can perfect the pattern and make a set, so I can wear them whenever I want to! Perhaps I should make a printed and patterned bra (now we are talking).

I do need to shop the notions stores in the city and find suitable connectors and fasteners. Oh, darn!

Relearn

I have become lackadaisical in my use of Procion MX dyes, so I asked a fabulous teacher, who has had a profound effect on my own work with MX dyes to help me troubleshoot and identify my issues. If you know me, you might know who I am talking about, but because I have not asked permission I will leave her name out of this post. The piece you see above has been printed and batched, not washed. I look forward to seeing what my washout results show me.

In the meantime, I can tell you that batching seems to be a large part of my problem and although I have identified a problem area, I still have lots of questions about how to work in my style while following the tenets needed for colorful success with MX dyes.

The above cotton broadcloth was printed using a mix and match of stamping techniques and the stamps are created in a loose repeat. My training as a textile designer has been making itself useful in this respect. Putting a design into repeat in a home studio is not easy, so I am using the term loosely.

One of the effects of working in this manner is the ability to maintain areas of white, which seem to glisten and sparkle. Saving areas of white is so important and often goes missing in our frenzy to dye, print and play.

I like this print a bunch. I see additional layering possibilities but have not figured out what I would like to see, so it remains a lone rosey stamp.

Multipass

The title of this post refers to the movie The Fifth Element, with Mila Jovovich. Mila’s character wants to travel and needs a multipass to do so (a multipass is a sort of passport). She goes to the airport and looks at the gate keeper and repeats the word, ‘Multipass’ in an accent that has stuck with me since watching the movie. As I delve deeper into multicolor printing, I keep repeating the word, ‘multipass’. I know it is a thin connection, but, I loved that movie and the elastic band outfit that Mila got to wear.

I am carving this ditty of daisies within ovals and this is the last time you will see this plate looking quite this way. My task for the morning is to remove the background of the stamp, making it more of a simple line drawing. My hope is to print it as a background of the blue cloth pictured underneath the stamp, above. I don’t know if I will print it in Procion MX as the cloth is printed now, or if I will embrace another layer/texture in paint. I do like combining the luminosity of dye with printing in opaque paint. I think it elevates the cloth to a more commercial look.

For my own records, I printed the stamp the way it appears right now. Perhaps I will have this made into a thermofax.

On my desk

I am happy to say, I am on a creative roll, an amazing stint, where all I have been thinking about and doing in the last few years is coming together in new and exciting ways. It seems I am no longer concerned about what media I use to express my vision, cloth, paper, it does not seem to matter and better still what I am working on translates to both substrates. I am off and running on the concept of multicolor printing. And it seems that with each success, another avenue of exploration opens itself up to me.

This is a strike-off, a ‘trial and error print’ that failed to make the grade, that is why you see the red x’s in the lower right (Red x’s mean NO!). I like it a lot, but this printing taught me the order the different layers need to be applied in. As you know, if you have been following me, my blog and creative process, I like clean lines, fresh ideas and a pristine presentation. This print appears gritty and slightly blurry to me. I like the grit and can work from that, but I don’t like the blur. So figuring out the order to the printing process was invaluable.

Now I want to try printing it with thickened dye on cloth. And just to let you know, I am working through my Procion MX whoas, so I will be printing in a new and improved manner soon.

And here is my studio kitteh. She is a merp button, a cutey-pie, a love dove. She has a sassy personality and will fake a little nip when she does not want to be pet. Other times, when she is ready, she lays on the butter! And I love butter.

Oh, it is lunch time and I am hungry!

Continued Story.

It seems Peach has done another awesome thing. She found David and I, specifically.

Last week I had several conversations with the veterinarian who ‘spayed’ Peach. It turns out, the spay was incomplete and uterine tissue was left inside her body. This tissue is producing estrogen. Peach needs to go into heat again, so that a specialist might be able to find the tissue and remove it. There is no guarantee that Peach will make enough estrogen in order to go into heat, but as this is the best case scenario, we hope that she does. If she does not, we need to regularly screen Peach for mammary carcinoma, in other words, breast cancer. Sigh.

I know that there are no guarantees in life, we have, just this moment, to live as fully as we are able. I love this little being and honestly hope she goes into heat again, that the surgeon can find the tissue, that we are able to lower or obliterate her odds of getting breast cancer. I am happy that she found us, that I can advocate for her. I am happy to love her. I wish that breast cancer could take a lesser seat of prominence in my life, but I accept what life has given me and us.

The veterinary office that helped Peach through her Trap and Rescue ordeal is shrugging off monetary responsibility for this portion of Peach’s care, though the vet who did the work, has said that she will pay for Peach’s re-spay out of her own pocket. I am glad that the doctor has taken an ethical stand, I am considering how to let the veterinary office know of my dissatisfaction. Speaking out is a new path for me and is directly related to my cancer experience. I have less tolerance for bad behavior now, and I want the world to be a better place, so speaking out is called for. There are many gifts related to the cancer experience and I bet part of the reason Peach found her way into our hearts, apartment and life.

As I make more and more multicolor stamps, I am finding new and interesting ways to build images. Previously, I would draw the image, cut it out of a single piece of fun foam, mount and print the image. Now I am doing more of a call and response, I might cut a simple drawing in two colors, then cut additional layers to darken or shade an area of the image. Next I will work on incorporating textures into the background.

Creative flow is interesting. I work away at an idea as if a hound on a mission. Then I run up against a learning curve, as I did while working on The 20. This is when I switch gears, trying to access the intuitive thoughts that might solve the original creative conundrum. This post has two cogs in that wheel.

As I try to workout the Procion MX dye wash out troubles, I began making multicolor stamp portraits (the image of David in the middle of this post, and also this self portrait). Now, needing a break from the portraits, I have decided to carve a set of alphabet stamps. It is at times like this when I need to complete a project or two so that I can get back to what is really bothering me! This week will be geared toward finishing up my side projects and solving my Procion MX whoas.

Printable Daydreams

The lovable Peach (Little Miss has settled into her name quite well) has been settling into life as a companion animal quite well. She is a cardio kitty, she loves to be chased, and she is an UP cat, she like to be up high, looking down at life around her. She also likes to eat plants, so I am going to have to re-home some of my green babies. But check out these cat shelves! Peach is shy to make the final jump to the top platform, so we may need to lower it. This morning, I encouraged and helped her to get up there. She is quite acrobatic.

Peach has been a blessing. I mourn the loss of my good Arrow, while at the same time, I honestly feel I need cat-energy in my life. I need to pour love into a furr being. I also believe that David and I share a bond based in our love for animals, specifically cats, that heightens and enhances our relationship.

I am on a stamping mission right now, my creative synapses are firing and I am finding new and creative ways to get images out of my mind and onto the page. I am still working on The 20, but I have come to a halt because the Procion MX dye is washing out in an unacceptable rate-an so need to find a solution to the problem. Additionally, I need to find a new ink or manner to print on paper, as the Memento ink pads I am using are insufficient to the task.

If I were totally honest, I don’t like cheap art supplies like this very much, which seem like little plastic items, whose refills are expensive, I just keep thinking, there has to be a better way. But at the same time, I use these things and am getting some really good results. This particular stamp is too large for the Dew Drops, and so is actually insufficient to the task. Maybe I really just want to hear the the-thk-thk of rolling ink out. And I daydream about using watercolor pigments and rice starch, so I will find a solution, it will just take some time.

This set of stamps is loosely printed, I could print it ‘tighter’, but I like what is happening here. This is, of course, a self portrait, using this photograph, I have not quite figured out how to get the ‘goggly eyes’ to look right. I am still working on this. Stay tuned.

American Bittern, thought differently.

A few years back Pat Gaignat taught the Journal Study Gals her Faux Screen Printing technique. I remember feeling overwhelmed and not quite knowing what to do with myself or how to use it. Then I went home and started thinking about it and the technique just bloomed and became something quite interesting and useable. I have been working steadily with The 20 series, and have for the most part, used Pat’s technique step by step. But then, I started wondering how else I might use and expand upon the idea.

And Oh-My-Goodness, I think I have come up with something very interesting. The American Bittern image, above, can be printed using any of 13 different stamps, and I still have a stamp or two that I want to make for the set. I really look forward to trying the stamps out, and will have time later this week.

And the interesting thing about this is, I can use any of the 13, some of the 13, or all of them. It is as if I can build each image separately of the last. The image here uses 7 stamps to complete the image, so I have 6 more stamps to add shadow here, a compositional element there. I have to say, this is quite interesting.

Peach is settling into apartment living quite well. She did go into heat last week, which was interesting. The vet says they spayed her but that it must have failed. I don’t want her to have to have surgery again, but she does need to be spayed. She will go to the vet tomorrow.

Working away

I have just 6 more birds from the list of 20 Common Birds in Decline to do. Today I printed 3 of 4 recently cut and mounted stamps, before I was stopped in my tracks for the lack of soda ash soaked cloth. And, while looking over the recent images, I think I should reprint two out of the last 4 anyway. I am at a stand still until the fabric hanging in the bathroom drips drip.

I love this project. I have never done anything quite like it before. Each image measures 2.5×3.5″. So they are tiny. I have not measured how big the cloth I am printing on measures, I just randomly chose a size and cut a bunch of squares. I left enough white so that when I begin to embroider them, they can have a border of white around them. I do fret about how they will wash up, so I am printing several of each image so that I have plenty of test pieces.

Yes, I am going to embroider, or stitch additional details on each piece. After the Deep Clean last month, I unearthed several of these stamps and dreamed up this project, so that I can utilize the embroidery floss I had been dyeing two months previously. I am happy to say that I am also restocking my studio supplies and I will be dyeing more threads, both DMC 6 strand and some silk embroidery thread I found off eBay, coming directly from China. I will let you know how it goes.

I have not forgotten that I am going to do a giveaway of Fuglies, and I do have a free class in the works, but my timeframe is much slower than it has ever been before. Please stayed tuned and enjoy.

Two Years

Two years ago today, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. What a roller coaster this has been. Diagnosed, book contract, chemotherapy, surgery, radiation, making art, writing about it, Switzerland, Dreaming from the Journal Page, getting used to being a flat chested woman. Oh, did I mention the love and care that I was showered with while doing all of this? No. Well, I was, and am, really. I often think that cancer teaches me that I am loved beyond my ability to grasp or comprehend. There is grace in cancer and this is the gift it gave me.

Today, this month, I am focusing on settling, releasing, accepting who and what I am now. These last few months have been filled with anxiety and depression, neither of which I handle very well. None of us do. So instead of focusing on what I cannot change, or even the things I can change, I choose to immerse myself in making. I am focused on The 20 Common Birds in Decline, because I love birds, they calm and center me, I have a physical memory of drawing their heads, wings, evaluating where light hits their eyes. Making helps me to relax and relaxing is what I seek.

It takes a fair amount of time to let go of the intensity of medical need, appointments, follow up visits, managing side effects and I am not out of the woods yet, I still receive monthly shots, infusions once every six months (next week will be the 3rd out of a total of 4), and I experience the effects of medically induced menopause. Ugh.

So I am making a concerted effort of focus on immersing myself in what makes me happy, content, able to look beyond this difficulty and to balance the crap with the fantastic. It is time to reset my outlook. Cancer sucks, but life, life does not and that is what I have now. Thank goodness.

Thank you for your love, care, appreciation and support. It has not gone unnoticed. I tend to keep the cancer narrative to myself, but I find I start feeling quite alienated by doing so. So there you have it. These last few months have been tough and I am ready to let it go.

Phew.