Melanie Testa

Grace

The images that follow may be considered too-much-information, which is a perspective I understand. If you feel this way, you should skip this post and come back another day.

Breast cancer has changed me. It has changed me physically as well as mentally. It has made me question feminine behaviors and expectations, it has made me question what is important to me, it has reordered who I believe myself to be.

I knew from the start that reconstruction was not for me. I did follow through and go to a plastic surgeon to discuss ‘my options’, and I did my best to remain open to the idea of reconstruction, so that -I could- reconstruct if I came around to feeling the need. But honestly, I did not like how that plastic surgeon touched my body, I don’t like the thought of inserting silicone under skin or muscle, do not want the multiple surgeries or ‘exchanges’- a euphemism for additional surgery to ‘swap out’ the silicone implants every 7 to 9 years, will not move muscle or fat from any other place on my body to form an insensate semblance of a breast.

I won’t do that. I can’t. My body is enough.

Believe me when I say, I faced strong opposition to my decision to opt out of reconstructive surgery. I was asked to see a psychiatrist to make sure I was making a sound, well founded decision. I was told that just the month previously that my breast surgeon saw a woman who demanded testing for BRCA, which came up negative, and that she continued to want preventative mastectomy and reconstructive surgery, and that as a result, the hospital asked that all women wanting preventative or profilactic removal of a breast needed to see the psychiatrist. Being compared to a person who neither had cancer, tested negative for BRCA, and demanded preventative mastectomy does not help. Being questioned about wanting symmetry after being told you -need- a radical unilateral mastectomy, doesn’t help. Being told you will ‘suffer’ gender confusion, doesn’t help. Being told women who choose reconstruction settle back into life more quickly after breast cancer surgery, doesn’t help. Especially when the psychiatrist on staff is not covered by insurance and you will need to pay $500+ out of pocket to help your hospital perpetuate their disordered thinking on what is ‘right’ for the breast cancer survivor.

I would not have been asked to see a psychiatrist had I chosen the ‘conventional, ‘acceptable’ path’ of reconstruction.

I have extracted a quote from this interesting article, which I hope you will read:

A study in the Psychology of Women Quarterly reported that sexual minority women face considerable pressure to have reconstruction, and those who decide not to have surgery often feel like they have to justify their choices to their doctors. The researchers argue that these women’s reasons for and against the surgeries highlight sexist and heterosexist assumptions within the medical management of breast cancer, and particularly mastectomy. As Naomi Wolf points out in The Beauty Myth such assumptions affect women in general. Wolf questions whether cosmetic surgery is really a choice in the context of a society that routinely reduces women to appearances and sexual usefulness. For women diagnosed with breast cancer, societal expectations to look and act the part of the thriving breast cancer survivor/fearless warrior (while appealing to some) may add to these pressures in ways that are just as disempowering as those from decades ago that forced women to keep breast cancer hidden beneath a veil of secrecy.

Ca-ching!

I would rather redefine femininity in the face of a diagnosis that is so closely tied to body image, a diagnosis that shoves societal expectations smack up against the individual woman and her one precious body, one that forces us to make decisions that are uncomfortable at best.

And, I would rather not keep quiet about it.

When I heard about The Grace Project, I contacted Isis Charise, the photographer, quickly. I wanted my portrait taken. I feel compelled to ‘represent’ for all the women who opt out of reconstruction. I feel compelled to ‘represent’ a beautiful image of the female body, no matter how ‘unconventional’. I feel compelled to help the women who are diagnosed after me, to understand that reconstruction isn’t for everyone, and for those who cannot or will not reconstruct, I feel compelled to simply live in my body as it is shaped without putting on breast forms or presenting an image that is not my own.

Since my diagnosis, a sea change has begun, we flatties have begun to band together to support one another. Had I not stumbled upon Sentenced2Live‘s portrait, and seen the ease and confidence with which she used her body, I would not have thought I could opt out of reconstructive surgery in the first place. The strength that Barbie exhibits in her Scar Project photograph has been a balm to me-and to be a Marine too? Barbie has a strength and hutzpah that I admire deeply. Seeing Margaret Smith in Fitness magazine a few years back strengthened me beyond measure. Reading about Jodi Jaecks fight to swim topless in a public swimming pool helped me normalize my flat and beautiful chest and to experience and evaluate the battle we women face when we make decisions related to our bodies that goes against the mainstream.

And I assume that, at least in part, all of these women did this work for people like me.

So when the opportunity to participate in an awareness raising project like The Grace Project came around, it was an easy decision. I opted in! I am committed to helping improve my own sense of body image while helping to normalize a simple, beautiful, less invasive form of reconstruction. This option makes me (and us) no less female, no less beautiful, and I see no need to ‘make like’ I have the shape of breasts. Societal expectations be damned (I am sorry to swear, but I mean it).

I prefer to be the role model I needed when I started my ‘breast cancer journey’.

And I choose to do it while remaining in alignment with my own values, needs and standards.

If ever you find yourself being told you have breast cancer, know that you can choose what is right for you, regardless of what you may be told. Flat is an option, as is reconstruction. Not wearing forms is an option. Switching out your breast forms every day with a new size is an option (yowza!)! Just don’t allow yourself to be talked into reconstruction if you know it isn’t right for you.

MellyIsisPortrait

And remember, your body is beautiful, no matter what.

Introspection and Organization

This little being teaches me quite a bit. Peach is very adaptable, she seems to accept what is, she does this with a strong sense of self possession. Peach knows what she likes and dislikes. Peach is learning to trust and love and become calm and confident about her surroundings. I love watching her release the traumas of being an outdoor city cat. I can say without hesitation that Peach really dislikes the sound of snow plows, trash trucks, and any of the other large metal monsters. I cannot imagine her out in the city wilds, and I am oh so glad we found each other.

Because Peach spent a few years on the streets, had some kittens and then came into human care and was spayed improperly, I feel, we both feel, that is David and I feel, Peach is a precious being who may not live as long as other cats with an easier start. And this too is a special point of connection for me, for us. Having been diagnosed with cancer, I now know that my time here on earth may be shortened, I am now more prone to recurrence, my morality has been shown to me and I no longer think I am invincible. Staying in the moment and cherishing my time is really the only way to live. Peach teaches me the age old lesson to Be Here Now, and to release the traumas of treatment, of daily life and to consider the tenacious beauty of this moment, no this one, no…

And she does this by unfolding slowly and with great aplomb. Peach came to us on January 4, 2013 and it took just one year for her to begin to see the value and feel able to ask, then settle into my lap for a nice warm sleep. Every small step is cherished and appreciated. I love this little being. We love this little being. Peach helps us heal and love one another. Peach is amazing.

Watching Peach take her time helps remind me that everything takes its own time. I tend to be an all-in type person, I give my all to everything, I work fast, I have lots of ideas, I work hard, I want things when I want them. Cancer has put these attributes to the test, and I find I need to slow the churning of the wheels, I need to hold back a portion of energy, keeping some in reserve. And this is ok, good even, a welcome change.

Maybe, it is just great to have an animal, and relate to it. I love being Peach’s animal. I love watching her relate. I am learning more Peach talk, Peach words with every day.

In the meantime, I have been enjoying my studio time, I am working with a great friend to (hopefully) publish another book. My fabric line is going to be released in May, I have been working it! I know, I need to slow down and smell the roses.

Ah, life!

Printing is interesting. When I open up a print session, I want everything to be neat, clean and tidy. I want to know where all of my tools are, I need them to be clean, I need all previous unfinished print jobs to be organized (I like to visually colate what needs green, what yellow), so that when I mix up color, I am prepared with knowledge of how many pieces might need a bit of yellow.

It takes a good half hour to prepare, clean and colate color/print needs. As soon as that is done, the fun begins.

I love process, love organization, printing my own cloth caters to both these loves and it gives me pretties to fondle and use in quilts!! It feels good to settle into a print session! When I make things, I settle into the most quiet, enjoyable mental place. I allow myself to work, I love seeing the pretty bits of cloth pile up. It is another way to slow time down to its essential element.

This is a piece whose process I would like to expand, streamline and improve. I have since washed it and am underwhelmed with my color retention. I think this is a great idea though, so I wonder if upping the values used to print the background scribble would do the trick.

More to come on this idea.

I am off to have a full day of printing. I hope you are enjoying your day, wherever you are. I hope that you too have some moments of reprieve, where you experience exactly what you are doing and enjoy that feeling.

Commemorative Cloth Making

A few years ago, I took an indigo printing class by Dorothy Caldwell, which, if you are able, I would highly recommend. In this class Dorothy showed us some African commemorative cloth that she had collected while traveling. I instantly fell in love with the idea of using cloth as a means to explore current day topics or even topics of a personal nature.

David and I will be married for twenty years this coming August, a date to commemorate if ever I have experienced one. My love for this man is extraordinary, he is my best friend, my lover, my husband. I learn from him and with him. David is a phenomenal being and our relationship reflects the work and focus the two of us are committed to doing ‘for the couple’. I could not wish for anything more. David is a dream come true.

Twenty years of married life is nothing to sneeze at these days, so I choose to commemorate this milestone by printing 20 portraits of David and I (10 portraits each), which I will make into a quilt. I have not decided if this will need sashing, or how it might go together as a quilt, I like the idea of sashing to separate the portraits. In terms of it being commemorative cloth, I think that at least some of the blocks will need to be dated, a bit more information needs to be attached to the images in order to make it truly commemorative.

It is interesting to print portraits, to see the images come to life. And also to remember the moment of inspiration.

I found this exquisite pair of goggly eyes on the street and had to bring them home. One night, David and I started goofing off and we each took a snapshot of the other wearing the goggly eyes. So you see, there are portraits within portraits here. I love that the difference in our heights is shown in the photographs and the eventual printed portraits. I always see David from this angle, as he sees me, so the image orientation is perfect. I also love that the image of David is one where he is actually happy, David does not show his cards very often.

I am printing these portraits in pairs, I want each pair to have relationship to the other. I want to see more color, and although I do not want to print ‘skin tones’, I want to play with the color of the figures to mix it up more. The style of this set of portraits at the very least nods to Andy Warhols‘ portrait series, and because of this, I want to see some brighter more cheerful colors used in the faces, at the very least. More to come.

Dragon Lair.

Let us take a moment. Above. You see a 13″ MacBook Pro, custom. Wealth.

I am wealthy. And wealthy beyond measure, because…

Now, I can go mobil. To my favorite coffee shop. And you know what? I need to get out! I know how to work, head down, for hours, which has the tendency to turn into days, and… I find myself in pajamas for days on end. I love my pjs, don’t get me wrong, but. You get what I am saying.

David and I bought new computers this year. I am moving in! And moving on! Literally. Yahoo!

Watch out!

So anyway, my new Mac Book Pro 13″needed a tight fitting, Melly Made case!

I am on a mission to learn to use the cloth I am printing. I have criteria, or maybe I should say, I am forming opinions, on how I want to use my cloth. I am focused on motif, color, ease of creation. I like to think about using my cloth with ingenuity and sometimes, striking differences in color and texture. I want the cloth to be the focus and not the quilt block design. Motif as communication device. Motif as story telling.

So I made this MacBook Pro 13″ carry case! I am quilt savvy that way! You see, we already owned a zippered, padded case for David’s old 13″ MacBook, but they keep making these dang things smaller and smaller, so my new computer needed padding to kit out the zippered case. I made this as tight fitting as I was able. I actually like it better than the zippered case, but computers need packaging when in transit, and a snug fitting transit is better than loose. And now, I have a creative case using my own printed fabrics. Tada! I like being able to make do.

Now, I can easily travel, update my blog, write (hopefully) my next book and I do not need to be plugged into my desk and tiny apartment. I can get out.

Oh and? The dangly eyeglass necklace? Do any of you wear and/or make these??? And if so, do you have a favorite finding to attach the glasses to the necklace? Please leave a link in the comments! I am interested in your opinions on this. I am going into the fashion district on Monday…

Findings Field Trip!

being human and having a body

I was diagnosed with breast cancer three years ago this week. This requires some acknowledgment and some introspection on my part. In this last year, I have come to a turning point; my body, it’s pain, is no longer directing my experience, neither mentally, nor physically.

Thank goodness.

Becoming used to being a flat chested woman is a journey. I have learned a lot about myself, it is almost as if I have been emerging from a chrysalis, unwrapping the leaves of societal expectation (breast cancer patients are encouraged and expected to reconstruct or wear breast forms). I am learning to love the shape I am. I am learning to embrace this stronger, more fortified version of myself. This is a fantastic journey, really. By opting out of creating a semblance of a breast, by opting out of wearing the shape of a breast within a garment, and learning to love my body, my way, I am rebuilding my idea of my self, body image and my personal capabilities.

Cancer, the treatment to rid the body of cancer, is harrowing to say the least. Luckily for me though, during the time that I was going through the worst of it, I came to the thought that, if my body could withstand the almost lethal dose of medication called chemotherapy, what else could it achieve?

I came to the realization that although my diet was pretty good, the one thing that I was not doing was exercise. Between opting out of breast reconstruction and wondering what this might do to my self esteem, I decided that exercise was a great way to create a mind/body connection. I imagined that connecting the mind and the body would help bolster my confidence and help me to accept the new shape of my body.

But how do you go from never really ‘investing’ in exercise to helping yourself embrace it? Exercise is drudgery, isn’t it? No, not at all. Actually, and I can say this in all honesty, now that I have been lifting weights three times a week for more than a year and a half, exercise makes everything better. My mood has improved, my scars do not feel as tight, I have a better understanding of what foods will pack on pounds, what foods will feel great. And lifting weights sure does sculpt and streamline your body, I must say, I like the aesthetics of weight lifting.

So back to it: how do you change the idea that exercise is drudgery? This is what I did:

I started out by researching free workouts, fitness blogs, and basically, body types. I used YouTube for this. From there I realized that I like the shape that weightlifting can give the female form. Finding an exercise regimen that you like is key!

I found a few websites that I like and continue to follow like, MyOhMytv, Fit and Feminist, GoKaleo, Bret Contreras, to name a few. Reading about and keeping your mind focused by reading books, blogs and watching YouTube videos is great reinforcement of your commitment and you will learn a bunch, just make sure you find quality sources, I don’t suggest reading fitness magazines that promise to reveal your abs in 20 minutes, with a restrictive, unfun diet. Beside which, fitness and fashion magazines promote a body ideal that has negative connotations, you can trust yourself on your own journey to know when YOUR body looks and feels optimal to YOU.

But here is the most important part: It is crucial to to tell yourself as you begin to work out, that exertion feels good. Remind yourself that your body is an amazing machine, that you take part in maintaining and helping it improve. You are not a victim of your body, but a participant in its abilities. And after each workout it is essential to compliment yourself on a job well done. Writing these compliments down in a workout journal can help a lot.

Creating a mental atmosphere that supports active commitment and participation to exercise is essential. I certainly do not want to go overboard-there are no ‘beast workouts’ for me, I workout three times a week and all together, each workout takes no more than forty-five minutes to one hour. This is easy. Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings, preferably before 9 a.m., I lift weights, here, at home.

I am consistent.

I keep track of my reps and weight lifted so that I can look back on my progress and encourage myself to lift heavier when the time and numbers of reps seem right. I date each entry. I compliment myself (especially when I did not want to workout but did so anyway). And when someone compliments me, I write that down and date it too (I got a great compliment about the shape of my arms a few months back and I still enjoy seeing that entry in my workout journal).

I used to think that exercise was all or nothing, that if I didn’t do a workout, I would spiral into not wanting to workout ever again. This is not true. If I miss a workout, or two, or a few weeks of working out, I choose a date to begin working out again and I am patient and methodical about getting back in the game. I do not punish myself for needing, or taking a break.

I am grateful that my cancer diagnosis had the effect of encouraging me to invest in a fit body. Not only do I want to help my body resist disease, I want the confidence that comes with the commitment to getting my workout in. I want the strength of my glutes, propelling me down the street, as I rush to catch the subway, I want beautiful shoulders and I like having a metabolic ‘safety net’ when I go on holiday and eat one too many pieces of chocolate (you can’t out-train a bad diet, but if you are mostly clean in your food choices, all will be well). Most of all, I want a sense of body image that is filled with love and compassion and working out helps me connect all of these dots in the best of ways.

So, I thank my diagnosis for helping me integrate exercise into my life, but goodbye and good riddance! Let the door hit you in the ass, cancer! And hopefully, perhaps you, dear reader, might be inspired to exercise without ever needing to face the words, “I am sorry to say, we found ____________(fill in the dis-ease)”.

love in a cup

I have so many things I would like to talk about.

Peach, for instance.

Peach will have been with us for one full year on January 4. Peach is a wonder and a joy. She has a great and varied personality. She controls her person with grace and focus. Peach had a life on the streets prior to wrapping her magical powers around our hearts, which means she was an established being prior to meeting us. It has been such a fun journey learning her quirks, needs and love.

This little eight pound heavy weight loves her lovins’ her way; light, feathery-light strokes. Sometimes under the chin. And when she is done receiving pets? Stop touching her. She won’t bite but she likes to threaten to bite (I love this!), it is a sensitivity thing. She can only take so much touching. I can relate! Peach has great boundaries, she knows how to tell me to stop without calling me a jerk! 🙂 Actually she is quite polite.

Sometimes Peach challenges me to chase her. I love this too. She likes to feel startled. Her tail goes bottle brush, she forms a Mohawk, and then she becomes sensitive and needs reassurance.

See? Lots of personality.

Another thing about Peach? She shares well. She loves David in special ways. When he picks her up, he wraps his arms around her body. She gets a smug look and settles downward!!

I am so happy that we adopted Peach.

Somewhat Obsessed

I love the concept of the jelly roll quilt, simply accepting what happens when you sew strips together, fast, simple, almost mindless piecing and quilting in order to wrap yourself in ‘warms’ while watching tv, during the cold winter months. You can purchase strips in prearranged bundles or cut your own, in color groupings to your liking. It is like opening a bag of potato chips and devouring them, except, you get a colorful quilt out of this! It kinda feels like cheating, but I like to think if it as a reprieve from the other creative stuff I do. It is ‘weekend quilting’ and I love doing it. It really does relax me!

I sewed this one up a few weeks ago, during my retreat weekend. Each gal pal gave two strips of cloth to each person participating, we could use the cloth at our discretion, so long as each person and their fabric was represented. This quilt top, both front and back, contains fabric from each of my gal pals. Later in the week, I will update the blog with a picture of the other side. David and I have been using both of our jelly roll quilts to make ‘nests’ while we curl up and watch tv each night. What could be better?

So In the spirit of easy, fun piecing and in an effort to start using my own hand printed cloth, I gathered some of my cloth and cut 60 degree triangles, pleasingly arranged. I sewed them together without thinking too much about color, placement or composition. I just wanted to piece and see how my fabric looks alongside each other in a mindless manner.

This quilt top taught me to enjoy simply pieced blocks. The 60 degree triangle block is easy to cut, simple to piece and it looks pleasingly more difficult than it really is. It is a win-win sort of block.

As you will see below, I went on a cutting tangent. This quilt top (I am on a mission to make two sided quilts, I want to stash bust!) is predominantly commercially printed cloth, there are a few low water immersion semi-solids and a few of my latest multicolor prints, but they are in the minority. Anyway, this quilt top has really been an eye opening experience for me. The cutting tangent helped me to understand how to group colors while cutting so that sewing four patches together is pleasingly mindless and effective! See. I am on a mission to mindlessly make!

I am in love with this quilt top, it is teaching me something. I haven’t heard the full story yet. The opposing side of this quilt top will be very similar but will feature my own printed cloth, predominantly.

Anyway, I am piecing, machine quilting and sewing bindings like it was 1994! Hey wait, did they do that, like this, back then? Now, I am just making things up!

My Mom gave me this sparkly, glow ‘riddled’, stained glass art piece featuring the Wonky Star. This is happy making. It links my Mom, Wonky Star quilt blocks and me! I love owning a piece of my Mother’s work, she has been working to improve her skills and sell her work, I love her dedication and her wares. Thanks Mom.

Of friends, jelly roll quilting and embracing long unused skills.

This last year I have been in deep and total immersion into multicolor printing using Procion MX dyes. I have printed about 50 yards of cloth, believe it or not. And when you print that much cloth, it goes to say that you should also try to use as much cloth! At the same time, I have a back log of cloth that I have been printing and gathering for the last 10-15 years! I don’t consider myself to much of a stasher, not compared to my friends anyway, and I would love to get to the point where I am not stashing at all, but rather, making cloth per project/quilt and acquiring materials to fill out and finish said project.

I have been sorting, cutting and stacking, cut squares. I mean, Damn! Look at these fat stacks!

What you see here is my backlog fabrics, not the ones I printed this year. These older pieces of cloth work really nicely in padding out my current multicolor printed cloth and they also show me my progress as a dyer and artist. Win!!

This quilt, a jellyroll quilt, I put together a few weeks ago, while at my twice yearly quilt art retreat. This quilt is filled with girlfriend love. We put aside our personal projects to exchange strips of fabric with one another and bang out a usable quick and dirty beauty. This quilt has one piece of fabric from each member of the group and then then some (!!!).

Yesterday, Teri came to Brooklyn to help me bring my machine in for repair and to help me with the many, many projects that are piling up, with ‘just one last thing’ needed, before being able to call them complete.

Teri Lucas helped me complete the jellyroll in many ways. 1. Teri helped me with trimming the quilt down, teaching me how to square it and what to square it to. 2. Teri cut and attached the binding (teaching me her methods all the way through, this is a 2″ French straight grain binding, I usually cut 2.25″ bindings [the straight grain part was my idea and is related to the cloth I wanted to bind it with]). 3. Teri gave me the fantastic idea of utilizing my local quilt store to cut quilts down and possibly even baste- NYC apartment living can really crimp a large quilts style! 4. Teri got me out of the house and made me re-member how important it is to hang out with friends, I tend to be a bit of a recluse and artistic shut-in.

And then!! Last weekend, Stephanie Forsyth and her best friend Sally came to New York City. Beside walking up a storm, going to the Statue of Liberty, going to Carnegie Hall to see Handel’s Messiah, and eating and drinking while basking in our shared friendship, Steph hand sewed the binding on this quilt, made of my own printed cloth.

Do I have awesome friends, or what?

Want to know what I love best about both Stephanie and Teri, in addition to my retreat gal pals? I learn from these women. First, I learn what love, affection and friendship means, and I get to do it while dishing about cloth and fiber. I learn (relearn) that it is OK to ask for help. And my soul becomes fortified to what it means to have and be a friend.

Teri put forth a challenge to me to try sewing the finished edge of the binding she applied by machine. I have never done this before. I usually sew that last bit by hand. Elizabeth (a member of my retreat group) did this and I liked the ‘Done!’ factor! I mean, that is quick! Do you think I should take her up on it? Let me know in the comments.

Big Sigh.

Hello. I have been a long time gone. Welcome. I am back.

I did it.

Heave a sigh.

Please!

One day, in the very near future (May!), there will be a line of fabrics with my name on the selvedge. This is a dream come true. I am romantic about this step, I have wanted to ‘be’ a ‘textile designer’ for a very long time, so long, in fact, the idea has become personally mythical. To have actualized this dream feels good,

really good.

To say that I will have a line of fabrics? I need to pinch myself to remind me that I did it. This is real.

I will be part of printed textile history!

I love to paw through photographic repesenations, collections of textile designs. I love to read up on the artists, styles, color choices. Maybe one day, my prints will end up in books similar to my favorite.

As a result of this hard work, I have lost my blogging voice in the process. All this activity and making stalls my ability to share and upload and post to my blog-but oh! My! Goodness! Soon, you will see what I have done! I am very excited. But, I miss sharing with you. It isn’t that I don’t think about posting, I have just been very busy fulfilling deadlines. It has been great. I am doing the work I have always wanted to.

This means, life is good. Really good.

I am piecing and making quilts, using -my- printed cloth, which turns out to be

magical!

I love piecing, I love seeing the prints made smaller, cut, fitted and nestled against their fellows, once sewn, a simple four patch. I am on a mission to economically use as much of my printed cloth as is possible. I am cutting squares in 1.25″, 2″, 2.5″,25″ and 3.625″ squares.

Big fat stacks!

I want all of the usable cloth in this studio to be ON the chopping block. I am going to arrange them in gradations. I need more. Much more! Fat, fat stacks.

(I use the words ‘fat stacks’ in honor of Jessie Pinkman on Breaking Bad-I am ~~somewhat~~ obsessed with Breaking Bad.)

Oh! Plus there are soy wax resisted silk velvet squares mixed in there!

I need some wide whale corduroy…

Facing my fear

I started quilting when I was nineteen years old. I had taken a class at a local art center, it was great. I was still living at home and there was a great local quilt shop in my home town. I would go there and pull bolts off the shelf, think about how to mix color choices together, check out all the tools, read the books and of course buy stuff. This was an immensely informative period for me. It was while going through the meandering aisles of this tiny local shop that I came up with the idea of going to school to learn to become a textile designer.

It took me six years to get a portfolio together and to muster the courage to apply to the Fashion Institute of Technology. When I did so, I created a portfolio with the requisite 15 pieces showing the depth and breadth of my artistic skills. But then , I also made my outfit-a silk blouse and a short skirt, portfolio case, I had woven the scarf I was wearing, and I might even have made the shoes I walked in with (that last part is a lie).

After I took the drawing test, I sat with two professors to discuss why I wanted to become a student at F.I.T. I told them that I had fallen in love with quilting and quilting fabrics and that I wanted to become a textile designer and work with the quilting industry. They promptly reminded me that this was a very small subset of the textile market. They also told me that they were suprised that I did not actually want to get into the fashion department through the ‘backdoor’ of Textile/Surface Design. They told me that they rarely did this and did not know if it was legal, but they accepted me right then and there, the acceptance letter that came in the mail a few weeks later was a formality.

After I left school, I blind called every quilt oriented textile house in New York City and I landed a job at a well loved and respected quilting textile house. Unfortunately, my skill set at the time was not up to the hopes of the head designer and they let me go after a six month period. Ouch. I went on quite a few interviews after that and I must say, the fashion industry (I had cast a wider net than just quilt textile houses at that point) was cut throat! I went on one interview where they asked me to take work home three times before rejecting me because my clothing was not up to their standards.

So I packed up my bags and took a job as a poster restoration artist that was based in my home town. I learned a heck of a lot while working that job. In retrospect it was quite an artistic life changer. I restored posters by Lichtenstein, Warhol, Mucha, Lautrec and on and on. I learned color mixing, I worked to deadline, I used every off hour to take workshops in surface design and quilting and to improve my artistic skill set. All while continuing to want to be a textile designer.

Then I was diagnosed with cancer and had a lot of time to think about what I really want out of life, and having a line of fabric with my name on the selvedge is still quite high on the list. This year, I have been working on creating a portfolio, putting motifs into repeat, printing the ideas on both paper and cloth, and now making these cloth samples into quilts and quilt tops to show perspective textile houses what my designs might look like in action. I have bought tickets to Quilt Market and I am going to try to make this dream a reality. If I am unable to woo anyone at Market, I have also come up with a Plan B- there is a trade show here in NYC for the broader market this coming winter.

As my good friend Stephanie reminded me yesterday, ‘If you have what it takes to go through treatment for cancer, you can do this’, and then she asked, ‘What is the worst that could happen?’ My response? Plan B

So wish me luck.