Using my Voice

I have been a journey of self love and acceptance, as I hope we all are. Some days, I would call it radical acceptance.

As I mentioned previously, my Mom recently passed away. My Father passed a few years back and my sibling is no contact. I understand why my sibling went no contact and I am proud of them for it, even if it pains me. So, a very important aspect of my life has come to a close.
In going through my childhood photos, I see my teen Mother. I see my addicted, biker-gang Father. I see the dysfunction I was raised in. I see my childhood best friend, whose Mother was murdered by her own Father in the two family home I grew up in. It is more real to me now.

I have been fearful of this moment for a long while. I knew what I would see and was hesitant to allow myself to feel the grief of honest assessment.

But. I have done good work on myself. I am able to hold the grief that my childhood was not what I needed, or wanted. I am able to hold the grief that my Mother deserved better, and was unable to attain that for herself. I am able to see my broken Father and understand the impact of his unhealed trauma.

For lack of emotional safety, I have for years, made myself palatable, smaller, less. I have been a people pleaser who overcompensates emotionally, in order to maintain relationship. I have come to understand that this is an avoidant behavior, a protective behavior. This behavior helped me survive.

I love all of these people. We had good times, I cannot deny this. We did our best by one another. Many of the acute negative behavior subsided and allowed a portion of contentment. I will miss my Mother and Father. I wish all the best for my sibling.

And, I am ready to put this part of my life behind me.

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My task now, is to continue to discern what is true to me. To question my triggers and slow myself down, so that I may act in accordance with my own best interest.

I choose me. I choose dancewalking. I embrace my childlike curiosity. I invest in my creativity, which is meditation in action. I am no longer afraid to bring all of myself to relationship. I trust that I can handle rupture and work toward repair. I am accountable to myself and others. I no longer fear abandonment when I use my voice. I am a cycle breaker.

This is a sad place, a place of mourning and deep introspection. But, I begin to feel myself turning toward me and I am proud, glad, able. This is a place of great hope and renewed meaning. This feels like a cosmic request for change and I am ready.

It is time to make, More Art.

I have updated my Etsy shop with many small works and invite you to check it out. I would like to remind you where to find me on social media, like Instagram and also, my Facebook Artist and personal accounts. I am grateful to all who choose to come here and read my introspections. I look forward to rebuilding community of my own making. Please don’t hesitate to comment, to make suggestions, or to subscribe to this blog.