
I have been a journey of self love and acceptance, as I hope we all are. Some days, I would call it radical acceptance.

As I mentioned previously, my Mom recently passed away. My Father passed a few years back and my sibling is no contact. I understand why my sibling went no contact and I am proud of them for it, even if it pains me. So, a very important aspect of my life has come to a close.
In going through my childhood photos, I see my teen Mother. I see my addicted, biker-gang Father. I see the dysfunction I was raised in. I see my childhood best friend, whose Mother was murdered by her own Father in the two family home I grew up in. It is more real to me now.
I have been fearful of this moment for a long while. I knew what I would see and was hesitant to allow myself to feel the grief of honest assessment.
But. I have done good work on myself. I am able to hold the grief that my childhood was not what I needed, or wanted. I am able to hold the grief that my Mother deserved better, and was unable to attain that for herself. I am able to see my broken Father and understand the impact of his unhealed trauma.
For lack of emotional safety, I have for years, made myself palatable, smaller, less. I have been a people pleaser who overcompensates emotionally, in order to maintain relationship. I have come to understand that this is an avoidant behavior, a protective behavior. This behavior helped me survive.
I love all of these people. We had good times, I cannot deny this. We did our best by one another. Many of the acute negative behavior subsided and allowed a portion of contentment. I will miss my Mother and Father. I wish all the best for my sibling.
And, I am ready to put this part of my life behind me.
My task now, is to continue to discern what is true to me. To question my triggers and slow myself down, so that I may act in accordance with my own best interest.
I choose me. I choose dancewalking. I embrace my childlike curiosity. I invest in my creativity, which is meditation in action. I am no longer afraid to bring all of myself to relationship. I trust that I can handle rupture and work toward repair. I am accountable to myself and others. I no longer fear abandonment when I use my voice. I am a cycle breaker.
This is a sad place, a place of mourning and deep introspection. But, I begin to feel myself turning toward me and I am proud, glad, able. This is a place of great hope and renewed meaning. This feels like a cosmic request for change and I am ready.

It is time to make, More Art.
I have updated my Etsy shop with many small works and invite you to check it out. I would like to remind you where to find me on social media, like Instagram and also, my Facebook Artist and personal accounts. I am grateful to all who choose to come here and read my introspections. I look forward to rebuilding community of my own making. Please don’t hesitate to comment, to make suggestions, or to subscribe to this blog.
































